The Nine Pin logic - A Revelation

last 2 days were as horrible as it could get.....
you know that feeling when you're just tryna be nice but the person on the other end simply has to be a fucktard....yes thats whats been going on....i guess thats what happens when you love some one that much...

Ok so coming back to the blog i was cycling back after a meeting...i guess..im not even sure what i was returning back from but as i was cycling back and was like 100m away from my home this idea just jumped into my head out of nowhere.....it was like a goddamn revelation from the skies above...im not even kidding......it just popped in.....so here's what it is....

I named it the Nine Pin logic......it all came in at an instant.....the concept...the name...it was like a weird feeling cos this shit im about to tell you will make so much sense.....

imagine a full house 9 pin setup....

this is a complete nine pin setup.....
after i got the name i had to come home to check if it actually had 9 pins or less
weird ryt....

and imagine the pins to be your friends......

and the ball to be some sort of trouble....a problem or dark times or some shitty rumours or anything

so the ball comes and its definitely gonna knock out a few pins if it was coming towards the pins....

meaning a few pins = friends are now gone away from the formation meaning they've left u when the ball hit

and again...the ball comes out for another shot to clear the pins to hit a "spare"

btw when you knocked all the pins in the first shot its called a strike and if you cleared all the pins in 2 shots its called a spare...

learnt this from all the mobile games i played when i was younger...

so the ball comes again...tries to hit the pins and clears a few more pins or maybe all....if all then im sorry cos the ball has won and its about time u started with a fresh set of pins...

but if...if a few more pins stayed even after the second shot...meaning even when the trouble stuck again a few people stayed even though they knew the risks of getting knocked out.....

they're fucking there for u...thats what matters man !

those few pins who stay behind....they're gonna be in the scorecard ! well ofcourse in the game if u haven't knocked em all out you kinda lose...but think of it the way i put it out......

Isn't it all that matters 

find those few and never let them go

even when they let go of you there's a choice that you can make from your side....

those last surviving pins made they;re choice to leave you doesn't mean that its your choice as well....

besides this is when you become that last standing pin for them by holding onto them when they're letting go

this is probably the most sensible thing that came to me in a long time !

go check out my other stuff that im proud of...

1.N-finity

2. 1:2

3. You!

4. The Gift I Never Gave You

5. A Letter To My Best Friend

1 : 2

As the clock hits 12 at midnight here i was sitting in that dark corner at cafe coffee day with a juice singing along to roar by Katy Perry and listening to a bunch of friends laugh and have fun only wishing that could have been us.....I start this article.....

My answer (I think) to that question that pops up in everyone's mind......

Why is it so hard to get over someone even though they treated you like you didn't even exist !

Its so damn hard to get over someone you trusted so much in life because when they come into your life they come in as the one being so easy to love and when they tend to leave you they leave away as two letting you suffer the pain of getting over both.

one is the person that let you down and took all the trust in you and threw it in the trash. the one that used you. The person easy to get mad at....the person whom letting go off is like an everyday task....whom you can go ahead without looking at for the rest of your life.The one you wish you never met.

and the other person is the one you thought they were....the one you always loved and cared about....the one who's still on the inside over layers of pride and hate and guilt not willing to come out....the one you'll always look up for....

its never the one who let me down I think about at 2am in the morning as im speeding across the empty roads but the one who walked by your side when you didn't even want to look into her face.....the one who didn't let you walk alone.....the one who made you smile when you didnt want to wake up to the morning world....

its so hard to get over someone like that because the only person you hate more than them is myself....i hate myself for investing in that 2nd person....i hate myself for trusting them again and again despite all the lies that went by my eyes......for taking up that effort to make things right when the other didn't even give a damn about you.

its so hard to get over them because you're forced to tell yourself you don't love someone whom you once called family.....ashamed not able to move on immediately when the other never had a second thought about you. ashamed because all this makes you feel weak and needy. ashamed because it blinds you from all the people who do care about you.

somethings are so hard because something you trusted everything with suddenly turns into betrayal flipping your entire world with it....everything you've longed for.....everything you've looked up on...all that trust and care is suddenly no where to be seen.

its so hard because at the end of the day its yourself you need to forgive. to forgive yourself for the person you became out of that anger. the words that you said out of the frustration....of all the things you blamed them for. even though someone deserves all the question at the end of the day is is this who you really are ?

just because trust was broken does it mean you have to be that ill mouthed person speaking crap about the other to everyone ? does that mean you have to tell the others to ignore them ?

here's my answer , an extract from my mail :

"

I'm sorry you have to be that arrogant stubborn person.....but if I'm gonna be the same as u r then what difference does it gonna make in this world !? Just bcos someone is gonna hate u I'm not gonna hate them....there's enough hate in this world......N this is who I am......I'll keep getting used..... I'll still happily do things fr ppl......and I'm proud f this.....I'm proud I'm not blinded by ego and arrogance....... U knw wht I'm proud of even though unna pathi asingama thittirka to close people.....n when they replied with similar words I stopped them n said u can't say tht....I'm proud even though I said I'll break ur damn face I still said I'll always care bcos ur family..... That's who I am and I'm proud f it......I'm happy I have time for all....I'm happy I don't have to lie to ppl.....I'm happy Im there fr the ones who need me......I'm happy I'm being me instead of being filled with nonsense frm someone else and being controlled fr every move ! 

"

funny how this article ends as another katy perry song plays along and the lyrics go....

"come just as you are to me

Don't need apologies

Know that you are worthy

I'll take your bad days your good

Walk through the storm I would

I do it all because I love you"

thats a lotta katy perry for the hour....

'

The greatest gift ever !

up until this moment the greatest gift i could think of to give to someone was a photo collage beautifully framed in wood and i came to that conclusion because thats basically giving someone the opportunity to once again travel to that past and relive that moment once again. to once again feel that joy inside and to remember those beautiful moments that you had and to cherish them forever in not only in your heart but now on your wall as well.

I absolutely love making collages either in photos or via videos its so beautiful. there's no word to explain how much it means to me !

My  2015 collage

Ed sheeran sings in his song "photograph" :

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

but today as i was on my bus trip back home from running through 2 tragic days and i had a sudden rush of video frames.its a set of shots that i havent taken yet with people i haven't met yet but i knew exactly who they were....and thats when i realized i found a better gift than a photograph ! and there it was playing in my head over and over again. every word as clear as being said to me in person...every moment as clear as the day i just lived. every frame in my head like a photograph framed and hung on my wall ! i just wish i would be able to make it happen.i would definitely make it happen. and the best part is it involves people i haven't even met before. i don't even know how they would look like or sound like. but the one thing i know is when i go up to them they wouldn't deny me and i would need all of your help in making this happen. and oh dear even though im going through a tough time right now just thinking about the moment i complete the edit on that video and the happiness that would rush through my head when i see it complete...just imagining that gives me a sense of happiness like never before ! well maybe because the video is already complete in my head but the moment im gonna play it in front of you all and the happiness that runs through your face...as im typing this im having a goosebumps possibly out of happiness and how excited i am !!!!

this is possibly the most excited and happy I've been in quite a while

this doesn't often happen to me infact the last time it happened was when i took up my video project, something I've been dearly working on ever since and this second rush of frames blew me away and let me explain why.

what i saw in my head was nothing short of beautiful ! its beautiful to me and it most certainly will be more than beautiful to you as well. and the worst part is i wouldn't be able to start shooting until atleast for 4 months....well actually i could start right away and i really really want to but the others would definetly think im a total nut crack so im just gonna dig a huge hole and bury away all the curiosity and anxiousness and lay low for a while !

all i can do for now is promise you that this is something i will cherish forever and every other person involved will feel nothing less of it !

so if i come upto you with my idea.i really really hope that you would put in your efforts and help me make this happen. i for sure know that you wouldn't say no because when i come up to you...you would then realize how important this is to me and as well as you !

so lets make this happen , together !

-to my future friend

You!

You were everything beautiful. You were everything yet nothing. You were the blessing that came with a disaster.the cure that induced the disease. the dam that caused the flood. the life that was given only to be taken away. so happy yet so sad. so much of energy yet so dull, so much to say yet nothing that comes out. everything to feel about yet no emotions in-between .you are the hope ,sadness and betrayal.you are forgiveness and absolution. you are everything thats right yet so wrong, you are so easy yet so complex.

sometimes emotions can trick you into a feeling that you're hurt,,,that your lost but you're not.....not always. sometimes you lay awake at night thinking about them....missing them....sometimes you wish that you could quietly lay there murmuring to them or go somewhere and simply enjoy their presence. we are human beings and we cling to that one feeling that makes us feel emotionally strong. and so you continue to lay there awake thinking about them...maybe unintentionally....maybe rather intentional....maybe shed a tear or just lie there hoping and wishing someone could just listen to you and make you feel better and say its gonna be alright and deep down you know that things can always be worse and there's always someone else who's suffering more than what you're going through and yet you feel that heart ache inside of you. that pressure that makes you choke,

everything so new yet already over, it was done even before you knew it, it was only a burst of emotions for you, you were gone before you were even here and what you left behind was a mess.

you let me scream in the middle of the road, you let me scream in the middle of the road, I felt slightly better but didnt last for long because it was all still new. new to the fact that there now stands an empty space where you stood.

i laughed when i realized how i felt about all this and then i cried because there you are right in front of me. so reachable...so many possibilities that you could be back....so close....and yet so far away.

i wrote about you, i over thought every word you said, every text you sent, you talked about them nonstop to the ones who were willing to listen. and eventually you came to a point where you wished you hadn't met them in the first place.

you sincerely wished you hadn't met them

not because they didn't bring happiness into your life or not because things didn't go well at times but because of all the pain they left you behind with. that impact that you were left with so mild yet so strong that it couldn't possibly be erased. that moment when you felt like there was always something yet nothing. because you were left behind with that emptiness that haunts you every day and night.

but maybe it is okay to feel this way. maybe this pain is what shows how much something means to you. maybe this is what tells you that you never let go and held on to every little bit of hope that is there. I allowed myself to be open again. i chose love over fear and maybe sometimes i do regret this decision but on the long run i really don't regret it at all because it gave me all sorts of beautiful feelings and memories. those memories of beautiful laughs and long talks.....walks along the sidewalk running towards the end of the night. all those beautiful memories that i replay over and over again everynight in my head because i chose to let go of fear and began to trust life again,..

And all this while i watched myself relive all these moments in my head

I know you want to lock yourself away so no one can touch you. You want to hide from everyone, you want to hide from me. I know you are mad at me for letting this happen to you. You tell me I should have been more careful, that I should have known. I am sorry you are going through this.

and when you were finally back were so cold, and scared. every time i reached for you to help you always mistook me and ran away but never really saw that i came with the med-kit instead of the knife. I sat with you for hours hoping things would get better. hoping you would get better. I told you “It is my turn to take care of you” You wiped the tears from your face, nodded slowly, took my hand, and stood up. You decided to come home.

always remember that you are not alone. Never Alone. I am here. I just ask you for one favor, I need you to let me help you.

and if you ever want to leave again I will give you away, but next time, I will keep a part of you with me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for always choosing love over fear. Things will get better, and you will be full again before you know it. Time heals everything.

Just hang in there and you will be okay to infinity and beyond

The Gift I Never Gave You...

Am i fine ? i really don't know. I've been through everything but fine lately. I've been afraid. I've been afraid of so many things. I've been afraid of the depth of the emotions i go through every time i think about the things i had to go through. I've been afraid of the past that made me who i am today. i feel angry at myself for letting the world affect me in such a way. all i feel now is uncertainty, all i feel now is the weakness deep down in my heart every time the thought of it comes to my senses.

I raised myself to be strong on the outside. over the unstable cores of my weakened soul. I taught myself to look at the sky and blink away my tears. I hardened myself so much that i knew it deep within that there's gonna be no one that can break through me and that was only until i felt the warmth of this soul. a soul so pleasantly happy. Someone who could laugh through  hardened shell to see the fragile world within.

and the day i lost you was the day i began to lose myself. slowly but constantly and since then everything about me changed. it was the day i lost my senses. the days all that i thought myself began to break apart. i couldn't look at the sky and simply blink away the tears anymore. I TRIED. and i don't understand why should i be the one. i wished everyday you would come back and you did , the same soul but not the same body. you came back to listen to what the little one inside had to say. you came back to tell me that everything is going to be alright. you came back to make me feel alright again. you came back but not as yourself. There is no returning once you're gone but you came back to me.....you came back as someone else. you came back to wipe away all the tears....you came back to be here for me.

I ask myself very frequently why not go in search of my happiness instead of running after your's and every time you laughed and as your lips widened to make way for that glistening smile i got my answer. The smile that could wipe away a thousand years of pain.

I don’t do feelings. I can’t handle them. But they come anyway like a stubborn pimple or incoming traffic. I can’t stop their arrival, they just drown me like they do right now.

-some random dude on the internet

but then why do people have to leave in the first place. why is not the question here but HOW ? how could one possibly leave behind so much history and compassion and just leave the world behind when you were so young with so much time left behind. is it because i have become selfless in a way like no other ? is that why ? is it because im too caring ? is it because im too concerned with the welfare of others ? is that the justification you are going to give me for letting me go ? for letting yourself go ? is it because you dont completely understand how the world works ? is that the justification youre gonna give for fleeing the world ?

NEVER LET GO

has humanity really became of what i feared the most ? has technology finally taken over emotions in all ? has developments finally consumed all of what made us humans by eating away all our time and giving us false hopes and dreams ? ask yourself this question....how human are you ?

what am i trying to achieve here ? nothing.... this is just me trying to complete the incomplete me.....me trying to fill in the blanks that you left behind and its like trying to fit in the puzzles with the wrong pieces.....sometimes you need to cut yourself to fit in to the place provided to you in the game. Just me trying to figure out why. Just me trying to figure what feelings and emotions and being human is all about.

well thats just the society around, but not me. im human enough to admit wrong things were done. im human enough to accept sentiments. human enough to let emotions in.human enough to let others in to heal....human enough to be human.

We didn’t lose anything I guess, we lost the potential of it. We could have been, would have been something great, something epic for sure, but we were too coward enough to admit it or act on it. Instead, we began slaughtering it unwillingly or atleast thats what i would like to believe. I don’t want to think it was intentional; I need a bit of false hope. We were simply too absent to even try. maybe we were too young within to know better. 

we are driven by two principal impulses, either by love or by fear 

 And I guess we were victims of the latter. We were too fearful of our emotions and the sheer power of what they promised.

A letter to my best friend

Here goes my 3rd day with less than 5 hrs of sleep and i should at least try sleeping for the tasks of tomorrow but here i am in the middle of the night (early morning,however you choose to look at it) in front of my laptop pouring it out onto the keyboard....

I'm writing this today because thoughts of you have been bothering me for quite a while now....Why? because i truly care for you, for us.

i always tried to explain to you how much you mean to me, I was a completely different person before we met and you've shown me that its okay to be who i am , and that people who really love me wont think any less of me despite of whatever it is....

the friendship we have is the kind that only comes once in a lifetime, not every time everything seems to just set in like the pieces of the puzzle for things to go on....

you were my friend when not many were. You saw me when not many people saw me. You gave me hope and confidence; that's what keeps me going and you might not know but you're the reason behind a lot of triumphs and smiles.

it feels so weird to live one way all this while and then suddenly changing it to the next;and some changes tend to kill me on the inside.

I've always admired you for the kindness in your heart and the braveness in your soul, for that glistening confidence in your eyes and the stern boldness in your voice.

eventually people come to a point where they understand the art of liking/loving something beautiful which is to simply ADMIRE whatever it is for its beauty instead of liking it or loving it...let it be a piece of art or a piece of composed music or a work of craft or people ; Admiration is forever....and a reason to why I'm writing this is because I ADMIRE YOU.

I Admire you not for who you are to yourself but for what you are to others.

It terrifies me to know that it is always possible to find someone else as time passes by, to be left without nothing but memories of the laughter; the moments of little celebrations over a packet of water and random snack along the corner of the road;those moments when our eyes lit up with joy and laughter at the simplest of jokes;the moments where i knew exactly whom to call when something crazy happened; and those other moments hunting for new places and trying to score them all , running around the streets at the middle of the night searching after that one last bus heading home and all the other memories that now stands like tip of a blade which cannot be touched without drawing blood.  

I know we've been having some pretty rough times. Sometimes things got way over the head. Some times we said things we don't mean. And had to come to a point where it felt like the ever burning flame chose to flicker and fade away; like the special spark was gone and now it feels like a match stick without phosphorous at its end and not matter how much you try the flame just wont come back on. there were days when i almost convinced myself all is well and that someday our friendship will be back. Some days i spend going through the endless photos we've taken. Some days i laugh at our memories without drawing out tears. But today is not that day. Today i wish we had it all back like it used to be before....with endless smiles and laughter with no worries or fear

Your friendship means more that anything else ever has and i would be completely lost without it and there's not another person who could take your place in my life.

I understand that you need time to forget the things that happened but time also leads to moving on and AWAY simultaneously and i don't want to be the one who let you walk away. maybe instead of giving it nothing but time to heal why cant we just laugh over the things we said and take things back up again from where everything seemed to go haywire.

I really wish i could manipulate your mind or maybe hypnotise you and make you forget of all the things that went wrong but there's only so much i could do to try to make you understand that things could be back and better and the rest is on your side to make up your mind.  And that doesn't mean i would stop trying as well.

Once in your life you make the friends that are true
Nothing else matters except what's between them and you
You don't know if anyone has ever before felt this way
For them you breathed, you wanted to be alive every day
You'd put up with anything if it meant you got to see each of their faces

                                                                

                                                                                                       -Jessica E Villa

you asked me why i still try to hold on and why i cant just let go of you...

...tell me why should i when i see every bit of reason to hold on

Just because its dark at night it doesn't mean the sun isn't gonna shine again the next morning...

yours truly

BEST FRIEND