The Gift I Never Gave You...

Am i fine ? i really don't know. I've been through everything but fine lately. I've been afraid. I've been afraid of so many things. I've been afraid of the depth of the emotions i go through every time i think about the things i had to go through. I've been afraid of the past that made me who i am today. i feel angry at myself for letting the world affect me in such a way. all i feel now is uncertainty, all i feel now is the weakness deep down in my heart every time the thought of it comes to my senses.

I raised myself to be strong on the outside. over the unstable cores of my weakened soul. I taught myself to look at the sky and blink away my tears. I hardened myself so much that i knew it deep within that there's gonna be no one that can break through me and that was only until i felt the warmth of this soul. a soul so pleasantly happy. Someone who could laugh through  hardened shell to see the fragile world within.

and the day i lost you was the day i began to lose myself. slowly but constantly and since then everything about me changed. it was the day i lost my senses. the days all that i thought myself began to break apart. i couldn't look at the sky and simply blink away the tears anymore. I TRIED. and i don't understand why should i be the one. i wished everyday you would come back and you did , the same soul but not the same body. you came back to listen to what the little one inside had to say. you came back to tell me that everything is going to be alright. you came back to make me feel alright again. you came back but not as yourself. There is no returning once you're gone but you came back to me.....you came back as someone else. you came back to wipe away all the tears....you came back to be here for me.

I ask myself very frequently why not go in search of my happiness instead of running after your's and every time you laughed and as your lips widened to make way for that glistening smile i got my answer. The smile that could wipe away a thousand years of pain.

I don’t do feelings. I can’t handle them. But they come anyway like a stubborn pimple or incoming traffic. I can’t stop their arrival, they just drown me like they do right now.

-some random dude on the internet

but then why do people have to leave in the first place. why is not the question here but HOW ? how could one possibly leave behind so much history and compassion and just leave the world behind when you were so young with so much time left behind. is it because i have become selfless in a way like no other ? is that why ? is it because im too caring ? is it because im too concerned with the welfare of others ? is that the justification you are going to give me for letting me go ? for letting yourself go ? is it because you dont completely understand how the world works ? is that the justification youre gonna give for fleeing the world ?

NEVER LET GO

has humanity really became of what i feared the most ? has technology finally taken over emotions in all ? has developments finally consumed all of what made us humans by eating away all our time and giving us false hopes and dreams ? ask yourself this question....how human are you ?

what am i trying to achieve here ? nothing.... this is just me trying to complete the incomplete me.....me trying to fill in the blanks that you left behind and its like trying to fit in the puzzles with the wrong pieces.....sometimes you need to cut yourself to fit in to the place provided to you in the game. Just me trying to figure out why. Just me trying to figure what feelings and emotions and being human is all about.

well thats just the society around, but not me. im human enough to admit wrong things were done. im human enough to accept sentiments. human enough to let emotions in.human enough to let others in to heal....human enough to be human.

We didn’t lose anything I guess, we lost the potential of it. We could have been, would have been something great, something epic for sure, but we were too coward enough to admit it or act on it. Instead, we began slaughtering it unwillingly or atleast thats what i would like to believe. I don’t want to think it was intentional; I need a bit of false hope. We were simply too absent to even try. maybe we were too young within to know better. 

we are driven by two principal impulses, either by love or by fear 

 And I guess we were victims of the latter. We were too fearful of our emotions and the sheer power of what they promised.