You!

You were everything beautiful. You were everything yet nothing. You were the blessing that came with a disaster.the cure that induced the disease. the dam that caused the flood. the life that was given only to be taken away. so happy yet so sad. so much of energy yet so dull, so much to say yet nothing that comes out. everything to feel about yet no emotions in-between .you are the hope ,sadness and betrayal.you are forgiveness and absolution. you are everything thats right yet so wrong, you are so easy yet so complex.

sometimes emotions can trick you into a feeling that you're hurt,,,that your lost but you're not.....not always. sometimes you lay awake at night thinking about them....missing them....sometimes you wish that you could quietly lay there murmuring to them or go somewhere and simply enjoy their presence. we are human beings and we cling to that one feeling that makes us feel emotionally strong. and so you continue to lay there awake thinking about them...maybe unintentionally....maybe rather intentional....maybe shed a tear or just lie there hoping and wishing someone could just listen to you and make you feel better and say its gonna be alright and deep down you know that things can always be worse and there's always someone else who's suffering more than what you're going through and yet you feel that heart ache inside of you. that pressure that makes you choke,

everything so new yet already over, it was done even before you knew it, it was only a burst of emotions for you, you were gone before you were even here and what you left behind was a mess.

you let me scream in the middle of the road, you let me scream in the middle of the road, I felt slightly better but didnt last for long because it was all still new. new to the fact that there now stands an empty space where you stood.

i laughed when i realized how i felt about all this and then i cried because there you are right in front of me. so reachable...so many possibilities that you could be back....so close....and yet so far away.

i wrote about you, i over thought every word you said, every text you sent, you talked about them nonstop to the ones who were willing to listen. and eventually you came to a point where you wished you hadn't met them in the first place.

you sincerely wished you hadn't met them

not because they didn't bring happiness into your life or not because things didn't go well at times but because of all the pain they left you behind with. that impact that you were left with so mild yet so strong that it couldn't possibly be erased. that moment when you felt like there was always something yet nothing. because you were left behind with that emptiness that haunts you every day and night.

but maybe it is okay to feel this way. maybe this pain is what shows how much something means to you. maybe this is what tells you that you never let go and held on to every little bit of hope that is there. I allowed myself to be open again. i chose love over fear and maybe sometimes i do regret this decision but on the long run i really don't regret it at all because it gave me all sorts of beautiful feelings and memories. those memories of beautiful laughs and long talks.....walks along the sidewalk running towards the end of the night. all those beautiful memories that i replay over and over again everynight in my head because i chose to let go of fear and began to trust life again,..

And all this while i watched myself relive all these moments in my head

I know you want to lock yourself away so no one can touch you. You want to hide from everyone, you want to hide from me. I know you are mad at me for letting this happen to you. You tell me I should have been more careful, that I should have known. I am sorry you are going through this.

and when you were finally back were so cold, and scared. every time i reached for you to help you always mistook me and ran away but never really saw that i came with the med-kit instead of the knife. I sat with you for hours hoping things would get better. hoping you would get better. I told you “It is my turn to take care of you” You wiped the tears from your face, nodded slowly, took my hand, and stood up. You decided to come home.

always remember that you are not alone. Never Alone. I am here. I just ask you for one favor, I need you to let me help you.

and if you ever want to leave again I will give you away, but next time, I will keep a part of you with me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for always choosing love over fear. Things will get better, and you will be full again before you know it. Time heals everything.

Just hang in there and you will be okay to infinity and beyond