You!

You were everything beautiful. You were everything yet nothing. You were the blessing that came with a disaster.the cure that induced the disease. the dam that caused the flood. the life that was given only to be taken away. so happy yet so sad. so much of energy yet so dull, so much to say yet nothing that comes out. everything to feel about yet no emotions in-between .you are the hope ,sadness and betrayal.you are forgiveness and absolution. you are everything thats right yet so wrong, you are so easy yet so complex.

sometimes emotions can trick you into a feeling that you're hurt,,,that your lost but you're not.....not always. sometimes you lay awake at night thinking about them....missing them....sometimes you wish that you could quietly lay there murmuring to them or go somewhere and simply enjoy their presence. we are human beings and we cling to that one feeling that makes us feel emotionally strong. and so you continue to lay there awake thinking about them...maybe unintentionally....maybe rather intentional....maybe shed a tear or just lie there hoping and wishing someone could just listen to you and make you feel better and say its gonna be alright and deep down you know that things can always be worse and there's always someone else who's suffering more than what you're going through and yet you feel that heart ache inside of you. that pressure that makes you choke,

everything so new yet already over, it was done even before you knew it, it was only a burst of emotions for you, you were gone before you were even here and what you left behind was a mess.

you let me scream in the middle of the road, you let me scream in the middle of the road, I felt slightly better but didnt last for long because it was all still new. new to the fact that there now stands an empty space where you stood.

i laughed when i realized how i felt about all this and then i cried because there you are right in front of me. so reachable...so many possibilities that you could be back....so close....and yet so far away.

i wrote about you, i over thought every word you said, every text you sent, you talked about them nonstop to the ones who were willing to listen. and eventually you came to a point where you wished you hadn't met them in the first place.

you sincerely wished you hadn't met them

not because they didn't bring happiness into your life or not because things didn't go well at times but because of all the pain they left you behind with. that impact that you were left with so mild yet so strong that it couldn't possibly be erased. that moment when you felt like there was always something yet nothing. because you were left behind with that emptiness that haunts you every day and night.

but maybe it is okay to feel this way. maybe this pain is what shows how much something means to you. maybe this is what tells you that you never let go and held on to every little bit of hope that is there. I allowed myself to be open again. i chose love over fear and maybe sometimes i do regret this decision but on the long run i really don't regret it at all because it gave me all sorts of beautiful feelings and memories. those memories of beautiful laughs and long talks.....walks along the sidewalk running towards the end of the night. all those beautiful memories that i replay over and over again everynight in my head because i chose to let go of fear and began to trust life again,..

And all this while i watched myself relive all these moments in my head

I know you want to lock yourself away so no one can touch you. You want to hide from everyone, you want to hide from me. I know you are mad at me for letting this happen to you. You tell me I should have been more careful, that I should have known. I am sorry you are going through this.

and when you were finally back were so cold, and scared. every time i reached for you to help you always mistook me and ran away but never really saw that i came with the med-kit instead of the knife. I sat with you for hours hoping things would get better. hoping you would get better. I told you “It is my turn to take care of you” You wiped the tears from your face, nodded slowly, took my hand, and stood up. You decided to come home.

always remember that you are not alone. Never Alone. I am here. I just ask you for one favor, I need you to let me help you.

and if you ever want to leave again I will give you away, but next time, I will keep a part of you with me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for always choosing love over fear. Things will get better, and you will be full again before you know it. Time heals everything.

Just hang in there and you will be okay to infinity and beyond

The Gift I Never Gave You...

Am i fine ? i really don't know. I've been through everything but fine lately. I've been afraid. I've been afraid of so many things. I've been afraid of the depth of the emotions i go through every time i think about the things i had to go through. I've been afraid of the past that made me who i am today. i feel angry at myself for letting the world affect me in such a way. all i feel now is uncertainty, all i feel now is the weakness deep down in my heart every time the thought of it comes to my senses.

I raised myself to be strong on the outside. over the unstable cores of my weakened soul. I taught myself to look at the sky and blink away my tears. I hardened myself so much that i knew it deep within that there's gonna be no one that can break through me and that was only until i felt the warmth of this soul. a soul so pleasantly happy. Someone who could laugh through  hardened shell to see the fragile world within.

and the day i lost you was the day i began to lose myself. slowly but constantly and since then everything about me changed. it was the day i lost my senses. the days all that i thought myself began to break apart. i couldn't look at the sky and simply blink away the tears anymore. I TRIED. and i don't understand why should i be the one. i wished everyday you would come back and you did , the same soul but not the same body. you came back to listen to what the little one inside had to say. you came back to tell me that everything is going to be alright. you came back to make me feel alright again. you came back but not as yourself. There is no returning once you're gone but you came back to me.....you came back as someone else. you came back to wipe away all the tears....you came back to be here for me.

I ask myself very frequently why not go in search of my happiness instead of running after your's and every time you laughed and as your lips widened to make way for that glistening smile i got my answer. The smile that could wipe away a thousand years of pain.

I don’t do feelings. I can’t handle them. But they come anyway like a stubborn pimple or incoming traffic. I can’t stop their arrival, they just drown me like they do right now.

-some random dude on the internet

but then why do people have to leave in the first place. why is not the question here but HOW ? how could one possibly leave behind so much history and compassion and just leave the world behind when you were so young with so much time left behind. is it because i have become selfless in a way like no other ? is that why ? is it because im too caring ? is it because im too concerned with the welfare of others ? is that the justification you are going to give me for letting me go ? for letting yourself go ? is it because you dont completely understand how the world works ? is that the justification youre gonna give for fleeing the world ?

NEVER LET GO

has humanity really became of what i feared the most ? has technology finally taken over emotions in all ? has developments finally consumed all of what made us humans by eating away all our time and giving us false hopes and dreams ? ask yourself this question....how human are you ?

what am i trying to achieve here ? nothing.... this is just me trying to complete the incomplete me.....me trying to fill in the blanks that you left behind and its like trying to fit in the puzzles with the wrong pieces.....sometimes you need to cut yourself to fit in to the place provided to you in the game. Just me trying to figure out why. Just me trying to figure what feelings and emotions and being human is all about.

well thats just the society around, but not me. im human enough to admit wrong things were done. im human enough to accept sentiments. human enough to let emotions in.human enough to let others in to heal....human enough to be human.

We didn’t lose anything I guess, we lost the potential of it. We could have been, would have been something great, something epic for sure, but we were too coward enough to admit it or act on it. Instead, we began slaughtering it unwillingly or atleast thats what i would like to believe. I don’t want to think it was intentional; I need a bit of false hope. We were simply too absent to even try. maybe we were too young within to know better. 

we are driven by two principal impulses, either by love or by fear 

 And I guess we were victims of the latter. We were too fearful of our emotions and the sheer power of what they promised.